Enjoy Your Movie, Sir.

by H S Vijayan

It was a hungover afternoon in Calcutta, after a few too many Old Monks at the Tolly Club the previous night. We didn’t have anything planned, so we decided to go and see the new Shah Rukh Khan film at the plush South City Mall. The film (“Billu Barber”) didn’t look particularly promising. But I’d never done the Gold Class thing before, and I just wanted to watch something relatively mindless, in comfort.

I was with a male friend, and inevitably, we were put together on a couples’ sofa despite a specific request for separate seats. But no matter, it was big enough, clean and comfortable, and it reclined too. In fact, I’d soon find myself falling asleep, and missing most of the film. Luckily, the simplistic plot meant I didn’t actually have to watch about an hour of it, and my friend assured me that I’d only missed some very bad songs, and Shah Rukh in a series of ever more Euro-camp outfits. I‘m hoping these were to do with the character he was playing and not because he has atrocious fashion sense. Having met him (sorry, I had to drop that in….), I fear it may be the latter.

Anyway, I have digressed. So far, comfortable seats, average film, a nice nap. But don’t be fooled by what seems like an idyllic experience. It will easily be ruined if you are unable to tolerate the following:

1. People arriving late, and deliberately sitting in inconvenient places, just to make doubly sure the whole cinema knows that their royal highnesses have graced everyone with their presence.

2. Talking. This takes several forms, all of which have very nearly driven me to violence. Does each plot twist demand detailed discussions with a dim-witted neighbour who’s unable to follow even the simplest storylines? I even had to cope with this from one of my own friends during the last Batman film. You know who you are, and months later, it still annoys me. The worst crime of all is talking on the phone during the film. How urgent or important are any of these calls? Here’s a sample: “I’m in the cinema… THE CINEMA… WATCHING A FILM… NO… YES… SHAH RUKH… SO DRUNK YAAR…. YA SHE’S HOT”. Not exactly an Oxford debate.

3. Audience participation. Watching a film is, or ought to be, a passive experience. If you like a song, tap your foot, or nod rhythmically. There is no excuse for full-blown dancing and singing in the cinema, and there are few sadder sights than overweight, tone-deaf Indian men attempting an Shah Rukh Khan impression.


Or…  am I missing the point?